Untitled

October 1st, 2010,- I could feel the blood rushing to my face as slammed the car door and collapsed into the driver’s seat. Within seconds my face was flooded with tears. I picked up my cell phone and called the only person I could think to call, my mom. She knew all the gory details of the past few days and she knew this call was coming. Right then, all I really wanted was to fall into her arms and hear her tell me that everything was going to be okay; that she still loved me; that God still loved me; that I was not a horrible mother. I knew she’d tell me all of those things. She did. But in those moments the guilt and sadness that enveloped me was so overwhelming that nothing she said really sunk in. The only words that I could hear were my own thoughts screaming unconscionably, “You just aborted your baby!”, “You pulled the trigger!”, “You ended your child’s life!”…


September 25th, 2010 – I stumbled out of bed excited and nervous. I was throwing Syd’s 2nd birthday party and everything had to be perfect! I had everything together. The weather was going to be beautiful. That Saturday was going to be happy and memorable; lots of smiles and laughs and lots of pictures to be taken.

Within five minutes my whole world came crashing down. The sight of dark blood on toilet paper had me in tears. I couldn’t believe this was happening again. Less than a year before we had lost a baby, and now….again. All I could think was, “Why, God?”

Somehow, I pulled myself back together. I had to. I was throwing my baby girl a birthday party and I was not prepared to give this as an excuse for canceling. So I put on my happy face, tucked away the tears and kept on moving.

I learned that day how amazingly composed one can be when they have no other choice. I made it through all of the decorating, the greeting of guests, the paddleboat rides without shedding one solitary tear. I even mustered up a few smiles for the camera.

September 26th, 2010 – More blood, and off to the ER I went. There were endless hours of waiting and one very long ultrasound to endure, and as I heard that heavy metal hospital door slam behind me, I fell apart again. I had no more information than I had when I walked in. The doctors couldn’t tell me what my heart already seemed to know.

September 30th, 2010 – My third visit to the hospital in five days. I sat in an empty hallway alone, wondering why the results of this, my third ultrasound, were taking so much longer than the ones before. The previous procedures had come up with nothing but more questions. The hcg levels in my blood were continuing to rise, abnormally slowly, but they were rising none-the-less. The ultrasound tech reappeared finally and told me I had to call my doctor. I knew it was bad news from the concern in her eyes.

I dialed the numbers slowly. I was afraid. At that moment, I didn’t really want to know. I just wanted to hide. This wasn’t really happening. The words, “You are still pregnant” pierced my ears. A lump began to grow in my throat and the tears fell freely. I knew what was going to come next, “…but the pregnancy is ectopic. The baby is growing on your ovary.” My recollection of the rest of the conversation is a lot fuzzier. I just remember walking away, knowing my child was still growing inside me and knowing that if it continued to grow, it could very well end my life.

My doctor wasted no time getting me an appointment to have a single dose of Methotrexate administered. It was scheduled for the next morning.


October 1st, 2010 – I prayed a lot that morning. I had prayed a lot the night before too. I wanted answers. I wanted to hear God say that the decision to have this procedure was okay. That He wasn’t going to be disappointed in me, that this guilt and anger that so overwhelmed me were born of my sadness and not my conscience; that I wasn’t going against everything I believed by terminating this pregnancy.

My sweaty palms gripped my keys as I walked across the parking lot and into the hospital. A million thoughts raced through my head. What would people think of me after this? What did God think of me? What would the nurses think? How would they treat me? Would they know WHY I was terminating or would it even matter to them? Would I get sick afterwards? How long would the effects of this injection last?

I was checked in quickly and led back to a room with a television, a bed and a lounge chair. I sat in the room for nearly 45 minutes watching the news and wishing for all of this to just be over. Finally, a nurse came in. She was nice. She asked about how far along I was in my pregnancy, my weight, if I had any questions about the Methotrexate literature they had given me. After my questions were answered, she disappeared again and returned soon after with another nurse and two huge syringes filled with a bright yellow concoction.

I smiled and took a deep breath. The older nurse explained that the injection had to be given in the buttocks. Maybe for them, this wasn’t a big deal, but for me this whole experience was already heart wrenching and embarrassing. Now I was going to have to drop trou and bend over the bed. I honestly felt like I was dying inside. I was so humiliated and I felt so misunderstood and so alone. As the needles sank into my flesh, it felt like a knife was piercing my heart.

The nurses left and told me to take my time; that I could leave when I was ready. I felt a small wave of relief as I collected my things and made a beeline for the parking lot…


February 28th, 2011 – It’s been exactly 5 months. I have done a lot more research on ectopic and ovarian pregnancies and while I hope to never have to make that decision again, it is a decision that I am finally at peace with. I will admit, the guilt lingered for weeks, if not months, but the encouragement and love that I received from my friends and family let me know that I could let go of the guilt, that they didn’t think less of me and that God didn’t either.

I know someday I’ll understand what all of this was for. I’ll be able to look back and see how these events have shaped me and how they have changed the direction of my life. I am already beginning to see the evidence of God’s hand in all of this, and I know that He can and will use even this for His purpose and His Glory.

I’m not really sure what I wanted to accomplish by sharing my story. I just know that God put it on my heart to share. So here it is. Take from it what you wish and thank you for reading.

Filling the Void

I signed up for Weight Watchers last night. I know I CAN make it work. I just don’t know yet if I will. I am well into Day 1 and already realizing this is NOT going to be easy. I'm going to have to learn to fill the "void" with something besides food...easier said than done when you have done it for so long.

I have had more than enough today to feel satisfied, and yet, I sit here pouting because I want to eat. Honestly, I don't know anymore if this feeling is truly hunger or if I have been tricking myself into thinking that I need to eat when in fact I am just bored, or sad, or lonely.

The fact that I am becoming less and less afraid of failure has opened me up to lots of new possibilities, and even if I don’t blow everyone away like Jennifer Hudson with her Weight Watchers weight loss, maybe at least I’ll learn a little about myself in this process and be that much closer to being a healthier, happier me.

Time will tell.  Wish me luck!

March 10th....

....is my 1st appointment with a fertility specialist.

I went to my follow up appointment today and my doctor said that usually because of how expensive the tests are they don't run tests until you have had 3 m/c, but since I have had 2 m/c and an ectopic, she felt it was probably a good time to send me to someone who knows more than her. I'm so glad and yet so nervous about seeing him. I never thought I'd have problems having children.....

So now we wait another 3 weeks to see if this doctor thinks we have a good enough case to do more research before trying to get pregnant again. On the one hand I really hope he sees something that my OB didn't see and we can get some answers as to "why". On the other hand, I want him to tell me it was all just "bad luck" and we have a great chance of having a healthy baby next time......

Only Heaven knows what the outcome will be, but I am glad that we are finally going to see someone who specializes in this kinda thing and will have the answers......if there are any.

The Last Day of Your Life

If you woke up today knowing that it could be the last day of your life, would you have done anything differently than you did yesterday? Would you have remembered to kiss your husband good-bye when you walk out the door? Would you have called your mom to tell her you love her? Would you have given your child a few extra snuggles before dropping them off at the sitters? Would you have cranked up your favorite CD and sang along, even when you didn’t know the words? What would you eat? Who would you talk to? How would you react when people cut you off in traffic or in the grocery line?

If you woke up today knowing that these could be your last hours on Earth, would you be sure to right any wrongs you had done? Would you look back at your life and know that you had made difference?

If you took your last breath today, Could people truly say, “She was a great woman!”, “She really cared about others.”, “She was a dedicated mother and wife!”, “She loved God with all of her mind, body and soul.”? What would people say about you? How would they remember you?

More importantly, what would your creator say to you when you saw His face? Would He say, “Welcome home, my faithful child!”?

Would He even know you at all?

If these were your last moments…If today was all you had…

Love Is......♥

Love is faith. Love is trust. Love is patience. Love is blood, sweat and tears. It is letting go. It is holding tight. It is give and take. Love is giving your best and embracing them even at their worst. Love is always true, is always right, and love never fails. ♥


Happy Valentine’s Day!

He loves me not.....

Today I am fighting the urge fall into the cold embrace of a companion who always welcomes me with open arms, but who has never truly loved me. No matter how many times he fails me, I keep running back to him, knowing he will only cause me more grief. Whether he loves me or not, he is constant. He is always there. He never tells me no. When my world is being ripped apart at the seams, he is the one place that I can hide. He gives me what I come for, but always leaves me feeling empty somehow.

You would think that after all this time I would have come to my senses. You would think I would be able to let him go and move on. You would think that I could find a friend who would make me better instead of always bringing me down. I know he is going to break my heart. He always does, but today, all I want is him.

And tomorrow when the numbers on the scale are larger than they were today…..I’ll shake my head and curse his name and tell myself never again……just like I did today.

The Miracle of SJB







SYDNEY JANE

 “Mommy, you were sad at the doctor’s?”

My daughter has asked me that question at least once every day since last Tuesday. Obviously my tears left an impression on her and she is still trying to wrap her little mind around the events of that day. I hadn’t intended to cry in front of her. I really thought I’d be able to hold it together. Tuesday, I failed miserably. She witnessed it all; the anxious questions, the concerned looks from the doctor, and of course my crocodile tears.

Tuesday was supposed to be an exciting day for her. She was going to see “Mommy’s baby in her tummy!” just like we had done 2 weeks before. She had associated my ultrasounds with happiness and excitement and when the mood of the moment changed suddenly, she was left very confused and upset.

Now the questions come every day. She wants to know about the baby in my tummy. She wants to understand why I was sad at the doctor. She wants to “kiss it, make it better”. Her innocence is so genuine and her concern so true. I can’t help but smile and just kiss her face when she comes to me now to ask about my baby or my tears. The rest of the world may be afraid to ask me how I am, but she continues to ask with conviction and concern, sometimes as many as 3 or 4 times a day. Even though she doesn’t understand, she still asks….and every time that she asks my heart aches a little less.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for the miracle of Sydney Jane. Her smiles light up my darkest days and her hugs and kisses make everything “ok”. She can touch my soul with the touch of her hand, and when she says “I love you!” I know that my Heavenly Father is smiling down on me.

Thank you, Lord, for the miracle of Sydney Jane and for showing us your love through her.  She has brought us so much joy and we are so blessed and humbled to have been given the awesome responsibility of being her parents.  It is a task we do not and will not ever take for granted.

I Saw God Today.

Today we went to our doctor appointment.  We had an ultrasound and to our amazement our baby was still alive!  It was measuring smaller than it should and it's heartbeat was only 106 beats per minute....abnormally slow.  The doctor sent us home with only a sliver of hope. 

6 hours exactly after we got home, I passed the baby.....and as unbelievable as it may sound, it was the most amazing thing I've ever seen!

The whole pregnancy was still in tact. The sac and the placenta were still attached to each other and somehow the sac was still "inflated". You could see inside of it and see the baby....his eyes, his little arm and leg buds, his little "tail"/spine......absolutely AMAZING and beautiful. The details were so much more than what I could ever have imagined.  The pictures in books just don't do it justice.  It was breathtaking!

God kept our little one alive so we could see his beating heart this morning.  It was such a precious gift to see our child when his spirit was still here on earth........And then God gave us this experience of literally HOLDING our baby after he had passed. It is something my husband and I both will never forget. Our child, smaller than a dime, in our hands....perfect and beautiful and finally at peace.  It was absolutely indescribable.  I got to see my baby's face today. I literally got to HOLD him...something I never DREAMED would be possible.  Out of all of this devastation,  out of what seemed to be just another disappointment, God gave us both something that will change our lives forever. He showed us His love and allowed us to see and experience something that I dare say most people never will. 

I stand in awe of my Creator.  He is so good, so compassionate, so loving.........and I am so blessed to call  Him my Heavenly Father!

Our u/s picture from this morning: