George Canyon - My Name

It’s cold in here fells like everything’s upside down
I can feel you talking
but I can barley make out the sound
I been kicking around these parts
feels like a year
I’m gonna change this world
if I ever get out of here
She wants to dress me in pink
paint’s my bedroom blue
And I just laugh to myself
cause only I know the truth

This love is my only emotion
Haven’t learned any fear any pain
It’s kind of funny with all this commotion
guess they’ve got me to blame
And they don’t even know my name
And they don’t even know my name

Well I’ve never felt so ready
think it’s finally time
Cause that big old world is waiting
and it’s mine all mine
Just then everything got real quiet
it got real bright
And a man took my hand said "don’t worry"mama's gonna be alright
Then he opened the gate
And I followed him in
Said "you can wait right here till it’s your turn again"

And his love is the one true emotion
Heaven knows no fear no pain
I never got to set my wheels in motion
But they loved me just the same
And they didn't even know my name
Didn’t even know my name
You loved me just the same
And you didn’t even know my name



Make sure you have a box of tissues if you watch the video.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. 

I discovered this quote after my 1st loss and it's been a favorite ever since:
Sometimes we love for a moment.
Sometimes we love for a lifetime.
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

My Children

I love my children…yes, I said “children”. For those who didn’t know, I have three, actually. My 1st born is Sydney Jane. She was born into this world on September 21st, 2008. My 2nd and 3rd were born into Heaven on 11/19/2009 & 10/1/2010. I will admit, those two days were two of the darkest days of my life. Knowing I’d never count their toes or tickle their tummies, or watch them sleep as I rock them in my arms. I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself and being angry and bitter after my first “loss” in November of last year. It actually took the loss of my 3rd child for me to take a long look at my life, to sit down and search within myself and to finally reach out to my God; to take hold of Him and let him wrap me in His arms of peace and comfort. It only took me a year to fall at His feet…to give Him all of my pain and let Him carry it. To accept that His plan for my life is perfect and that He has amazing things in store for me, if I just trust and follow Him. Throughout this journey the last few weeks, I’ve taken on a whole new attitude to my role as a mother and how I should view my relationship with my children and most importantly, with my God.


I have been reminded that my children are in fact not mine at all but are only on loan to me from God. I did not give them life, God did. I do not sustain them, God does. I cannot save their souls, only God through Christ’s blood, can do that. My children are on loan to me to love, to cherish, to celebrate, to teach, to enjoy for however long they are here on earth. I have pledged that that is exactly what I will continue to do, with my daughter and with any other child that God may see fit to bring into my life, whether they are given to me for a few days or years or for the rest of my life.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.....and even when we don’t understand why, we know that His plan is perfect and that through Him, we are given peace that passes understanding. We don’t have to know “why”. We just have to trust that He is in control. When we chose to carry the burden of “loss” ourselves and refuse to let Him carry it for us, are we doing ourselves a great disservice and only causing ourselves more heartache and tears. God wants us to cast our cares on Him. He loves us more than we can comprehend; more than we love our parents or our spouses or our children. His love is infinite and capable of carrying us through our darkest hours, if we only open our hearts.

I would be lying if I said that I had cried my last tears or that the sense of “loss” is no longer there. It would be foolish of me to say that I am not going to have days where I’m overcome with sadness when I think about “what could have been”. But God’s peace has calmed my spirit and given me hope, and His word has given me the promise of Heaven…and of seeing my babies again when I get there. And the cherry on top….I know my babies are in the BEST of hands….even better than my own. The God of all creation is holding them in His arms right now. :)

BET INSPIRATION

Turned my TV on this morning and "BET INSPIRATION" was on. It literally made me want to vomit in my mouth. What kind of person uses the Lord's name to promise, if you donate $1,000 to his program, that you will be "Divinely Favored" and "Showered with blessings"!? I wanted so badly to call his 1-800 number and shower them with something other than "blessings", but I restrained myself to a disgusted head shake.  It makes me sad to think that some poor, desperate, uninformed soul was, at that moment calling in to donate some huge amount of money that they really couldn't afford to give.  Disgusting....just disgusting!!!!

His Way is Perfect.

It's so hard to be patient when you've waited what feels like forever!  It has been 11 months of trying, waiting, frustration, loss and tears.  Definitely some of the hardest months of my life.
So I keep God's promises close and cling to them.  They are the only thing that has gotten me through this last year. 

"As for God, His way (and timing) is PERFECT."

I Carry You With Me

Since I had Sydney I've been wanting to get a tattoo to symbolize what she means to me and how much I love her. The only catch was that this was my last tattoo and it needed to be something that could represent any and all of my children, including my angel baby (11/19/09).

I found a symbol that said it all. It is not an original Celtic knot, but it is taken from the Celtic style and incorporates the silhouette of a mother and child. The Celtic style of the knot is apparent in that it has no beginning and no end. It represents the eternal bond between a mother and child and the endless love that a mother has for her children.

I got my tattoo this weekend (appropriately on Mother's Day weekend) and I really, truly love it. It's something that I will be proud of for the rest of my life, just like my children. It says "My love for you is forever, and I carry you with me, where ever I go, even if it is only in my heart."

Mother's Day Tears

40 days from today would have been my due date. I was only 8 weeks when I miscarried but I still carry this pain in my heart that just won't go away....and the closer I get to what was my due date, the harder it is.

I have friends that are due within a week of that day, so it has been a happy and a sad time for me. I'm thrilled for them, but it's really hard watching their tummies get bigger and seeing them buy all of the baby stuff and talk about their hopes and dreams and fears and knowing that would have been me too.

I woke up today and just started crying. I've cried so many times today. I know I should just be grateful for the healthy beautiful daughter that I do have, but today Baby B was on my mind almost all day. I just couldn't help it.

I told my husband, I almost wish I had never seen that first ultrasound. I almost wish I hadn't seen that little beating heart. Maybe this wouldn't hurt so much if I had never seen my baby alive....but at the same time, that is the only thing I have to cling to. That one moment....that one ultrasound picture.

I feel stupid and selfish for letting these feelings take over on what is supposed to be a special day. I couldn't even smile today when I told my mom "Happy Mother's Day." I just want to stop feeling sad and move on. I didn't know it would still hurt this much.

**11/19/09**