Thank You

I laid down this morning next to Syd while she was still sleeping. I just wanted to look at her. Her perfectly shaped lips and eyebrows and that nose of hers that I have always thought was just the cutest nose that God ever created. As I lay there, the only words that came to my mind were, “Thank you, God! Thank you for using me as a vessel to create this little human being. Thank you for allowing me the honor and experience of bringing her into this world.”

It crosses my mind on almost a daily basis how fortunate I am. God didn’t have to give me any children. He could have chosen another equally as deserving woman to be her mother. But He chose ME! And I will NEVER be able to thank Him enough for that.

There was a time when I questioned God and His motives and plans. But the farther down the road I go, the more I see that He knew EXACTLY what He was doing the whole time. It’s so hard to have faith when you are in the midst of a raging storm, especially when your focus is on the storm and not on God. But the moment I shifted my focus, the wind and the rain seemed to ease up dramatically, and I was able to see the blessings in my life more clearly than ever. Sydney Jane has always been my biggest and brightest blessing, and when the walls feel like they are caving in, she is still the light that pushes away the darkness and reminds me how much God loves me.

So again, with a humble and ever grateful spirit, I say “Thank You”, to my Heavenly Father and Creator. Thank you for your perfect plan in my life. Thank you for the happiness and the hurt that has shaped my heart along the way and allowed me to live and love more fiercely and fully than I ever thought possible. Thank you for continuing to have faith in me when I lost my faith in You, and thank You for loving me despite my moments of blatant disobedience and disregard for You and Your Word. Every morning I see Your love for me in the face of my baby girl. Thank you for that reminder. Thank you for her.

Behind The Lens

Behind the lens…that seems to be where I always end up on special occasions. I have photographed birthday parties, family reunions, a few weddings, and a birth. I’m not going to lie, it’s actually pretty flattering to know that people think enough of your skills with a camera to ask you to document a special occasion in their life, especially a once in a life time occasion. It's exciting and fun to attend all these "parties" that you'd otherwise not even be a part of, but remember, just because you are physically at “the party” doesn’t mean you will necessarily get to experience any of it…at least not from a normal vantage point.

If you have ever been the photographer at an event of any sort, you know that while you are busying snapping photos of all the faces and the flowers, the details and the decorations, you are not truly able to experience the occasion the way it is meant to be experienced. The visual landscape is obstructed by the narrow lens of your camera, and the music and voices are muffled by the constant clicking of your shutter. You are so busy scanning the room, looking for the next great shot, that you never really get a chance to sit down and soak in the whole experience. Granted, you will walk away with a digital device filled with some classic candids and perfectly posed portraits from the evening, but they will be of other people’s memories and experiences, not your own. Being the photographer is your experience.

Now anyone who knows anything about me knows that my camera gets a lot of use between “events” and “Photo shoots”. I have also found a lot of joy in documenting the life of my daughter. When she was born, I wanted to capture every quirky, drooly smile and every miniscule milestone. I never went anywhere without a camera. I was determined to document every sweet, silly, sad, expression. I wanted to make sure I could keep those memories forever. I have spent hours upon endless hours taking pictures, editing pictures and sharing pictures of Sydney, and having them to look back on gives me a lot of joy. I have been convicted lately though, of spending too much time being “THE” photographer in her life and not enough time just being her mommy. Pictures are important to me, but they should not be so important that I end up watching her grow up through the lens of my camera. I need to learn to set it down. If I miss getting a snapshot of one of her funny faces, it’s really okay. There will be more. And really….how many of her crazy antics have I missed simply because I was too busy reviewing my favorite snapshots or editing pictures? It makes me sad, when I think about it. Don’t get me wrong, Syd likes it when I take pictures of her as she dances around the room, but she looooooves it when I get up and dance with her. These are the moments that I’ve missed out on and these are the moments that I need to make sure that I don’t lose in the future. I need to spend less time documenting my memories of her and more time creating memories with her.

I’m writing this and hoping that by putting it on “paper” so-to-speak that it is easier to make myself accountable….and I certainly hope that if others catch me getting caught-up behind my camera that they don’t hesitate to remind me to put it down. My sweet girl will only grow up once and the older she gets the faster time seems to fly by. I only get one chance to embrace her in these moments, and I need to remind myself that I can embrace her a whole lot tighter withOUT a camera in my hands.