Mother's Day Tears

40 days from today would have been my due date. I was only 8 weeks when I miscarried but I still carry this pain in my heart that just won't go away....and the closer I get to what was my due date, the harder it is.

I have friends that are due within a week of that day, so it has been a happy and a sad time for me. I'm thrilled for them, but it's really hard watching their tummies get bigger and seeing them buy all of the baby stuff and talk about their hopes and dreams and fears and knowing that would have been me too.

I woke up today and just started crying. I've cried so many times today. I know I should just be grateful for the healthy beautiful daughter that I do have, but today Baby B was on my mind almost all day. I just couldn't help it.

I told my husband, I almost wish I had never seen that first ultrasound. I almost wish I hadn't seen that little beating heart. Maybe this wouldn't hurt so much if I had never seen my baby alive....but at the same time, that is the only thing I have to cling to. That one moment....that one ultrasound picture.

I feel stupid and selfish for letting these feelings take over on what is supposed to be a special day. I couldn't even smile today when I told my mom "Happy Mother's Day." I just want to stop feeling sad and move on. I didn't know it would still hurt this much.

**11/19/09**