Not Okay...

At what point is it not okay to not be okay? When does the world expect you to stop crying, to stop hurting, to stop thinking and talking about it? As the days pass, the characters slip back into their daily routines and their memory of your tragedy becomes more and more dim. I suppose that’s just how it is. When it’s not your hurt, the impact doesn’t linger nearly as long. I wouldn’t expect anyone to feel the way I do. Why would they? They have their own daily struggles and personal heartbreaks that they are dealing with.

The difficulty of matching the words to the feelings makes it lonely, and when you top it all of with a thick layer of self-consciousness and insecurities, sometimes it’s hardly bearable. What would people think if they knew that despite my “faith” and my “hope”, that every day is still a struggle, that sometimes my smiles aren’t real, and that many times the words I write are for my own benefit and encouragement, not really anyone else’s?

I suppose with everything being somewhat “fresh” that most people can still excuse my sadness and lack of interest. But eventually they won’t and I’ll be expected to keep going, just like everybody else.

I don’t want to come across like I’m sad and depressed every minute of every day, but I would be lying if I said that a day went by that I was not sad and depressed for at least a few minutes. I guess having to face all of the potential medical obstacles this last week, resurrected a lot of the hurt and fear that I have tried to keep hidden these last few weeks.

So here is a small snapshot of one little piece of my heart. I have fumbled with my words and realize that they might not make much sense to anyone but me, but at least they are finally free. They are out there, and I’m not wasting my energy on trying to hold them back anymore.