It's been a while. That's usually how it goes with me and this blog. I'm writing this, because frankly I need to get it out....and I am hoping and praying that my thoughts are safe here....that no one from my real life will ever read them....that I won't have to be pittied or judged or whatever else people do to people who's lives are completely "fake".
Next month will be 4 years of marriage....4 years of my second marriage. And you know what's funny? My first marriage went south (and eventually disolved) right after our 4 year anniversary.
I think about that magic number a lot. I thought 7 was the magic number. I thought that 7 was the number of years it took for things to start really going south in a relationship. Not even sure where I heard that number....but I suppose technically my (current) husband and I are in our 7th year, so perhaps that theory isn't too far off.
I left my first marriage, vowing to "do better" for myself and my daughter. And yet here I am....worse....so much worse. I am so far removed from my former self that I am not even sure I remember who she was or how to ever find my way back to her again.
I have lost myself, physically, financially, spiritually, emotionally.......honestly....every way that one can lose themselves. Most times I feel like the stranded surviver of some devistating ship wreck........bobbing around at sea with no sense of time or direction....just trying to stay alive until someone....anyone, comes to my rescue.
Except no one even knows I'm here. No one knows I'm lost at sea. And any time I try to come up with the words to share my thoughts.....everything just gets fuzzy, and I can't focus, and I can't seem to justify all the hopeless, helpless weight that lays so steadily on my shoulders.
No one would ever guess. No one would probably believe. No one would understand. So I just sit here....alone....all these emotions and words jumbled up inside of me.....making me feel that I could just burst.....and that oblivion might just be a better alternative.
The only thing keeping me from going overboard is my sweet, sweet children. They need their mother. Their messed up, stressed out, over tired, over worked mother. Or do they? Sometimes I wonder if I am doing more damage than good.....and then sometimes I think there isn't anyone else who could do it better.....so I guess I better stick around.
So I'm gonna sit here in this boat. I'm gonna ride the waves of hurt and heartache. I'm gonna keep pretending like I know what the hell I'm doing...and apologize to my children, myself and God every step of the way.
And maybe.....just maybe....someday someone will come along. Likely it will be someone I've never met....and they will see me for what I am.....and they will get it. They will get me. They will know all they need to know without me saying a word. And this burden of uncertainty, of self-hate, of complete and utter hopelessness will be gone. And maybe I will rediscover the women....and the mother I knew I was meant to be. Maybe I won't always have to "fake it". Maybe someday it will be real.....and my children won't resent me for being weak, and subservient, and broken.
Maybe before I die, I will become whole again. But if not, I know that Christ will put back together every bit of me that is bent, broken, and lost.....and this hopeless soul, lost at sea, will be complete and beautiful, and found....and forgiven.
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